#28. Women Need Love - Act 8

Don’t you admire those couples who keep it fresh and popping year after year? I know I do. Whenever I see a mature couple holding hands, or in a restaurant or the bookstore acting like honeymooners; I cannot help but smile and hope that one day I will be the one being admired for the same attributes.

I also respect, with great curiosity, a man who insists he knew he would marry his wife at the first moment he saw her. I have good friends who have been married for nearly two decades with that experience, and I have knowledge of some others. That is just crazy to me, though, especially when I consider how women often think, or hope “he” is “the one” only to find out he definitely IS NOT. As I am writing this, however, I now recall a male friend, Hunky Hank*, telling me that he thought God told him Hyper Heather* was going to be his wife. (*The names have been changed to protect the innocent). Oh Lord, and I now I remember hearing that Buffed Brad* told someone, who told me, that he was going to marry me one day. Too funny! Somebody either got the message wrong or is in disobedience, because we know God cannot lie. But it does prove that guys get emotional too and miss the mark, and in my aforementioned scenario, that can be a huge blessing.

Still, kudos goes out to those who recognized LOVE from the start, were obedient and are still hanging tight; abiding until the end. This song, one of my favorites by Music Soulchild is dedicated to you: Don't Change.

If you happen to be one of those fortunate couples, I would sincerely love to hear your story.

#17. Women need not act this way with unemployed family and friends

The “Dos” for being supportive in a struggling economy were presented last week. Here are a few “Do Nots”:

• Do Not - Discount their dreams and ambitions. Being supportive does not connote transferring your ideals onto them or berating their vision. Just because you think they should try retail, work as a nanny, or become a part of your MLM opportunity does not mean that they should forego their personal pursuits to follow your plan. It is fine to make suggestions but it is more important that you listen (not just to make your sales pitch) in order to help them meet their own objectives.

• Do Not - Embarrass them by discussing the personal details. Nine times out of ten, if the have been without a decent wage for some time this could be negatively affecting their personal life (i.e. marriage, meals and mortgage.) Remember that networking is for professional reasons centered on employability not gossip. Questions impermissible in the context of a job interview should be off limits after hours as well. Suggest that the potential contact ask your friend anything you feel is too personal. Abusing this opportunity to edify a friend by highlighting instead how wonderful you are for lending a helping hand to the “needy” will do more harm than good. No one wants to hire someone others deem as pitiful – perhaps too pitiful to do the job.

• Do Not - Avoid unemployed family and friends. In fact, initiate the conversation if possible by asking “how do you think I could help you during this transition?” Listen to their suggestions and then offer a realistic response to their plea based on your capabilities. Do not make empty promises?!? You do not owe anyone anything, and your best effort is always enough - there is no need for cowardice. By avoiding their phone calls or emails (with resume attached) will only build resentment and destroy relations. It is better to meet this topic head on and be honest about what you can or cannot do to be supportive. Candor is the best approach and leaves no room for delusions.

Am I my brother’s keeper? Well, no I am not, but I am always more than willing to lend a helping hand whenever I can.

Best wishes for better relationships in 2009.

#16. Women (and men) need to be supportive of unemployed friends and family.

To lose anything brings about negative emotions, how much more when that thing is a job? Feelings of shame, depression, doubt, confusion and fear can top the list. In lieu of the current economic state of America, we are all highly likely to know someone personally who falls into this category of "unemployed". As friends and family members, of people facing these dire circumstances, it is important to be supportive - but what does that specifically entail?

The bible speaks about the distance created by finances, even among friends:

Proverbs 14:20The poor are despised even by their neighbors, while the rich have many friends.
Proverbs 19:4Wealth makes many friends; poverty drives them all away.

Wisdom knows money divides family and friends. Sometimes it is by location, if a family can no longer afford to keep their home and are forced to move into a different neighborhood. Do friends and family continue to visit? Sometimes through socialization, friends can no longer afford to vacation or participate in various activities. How are they kept in the loop when they can no longer afford to keep up? With inferiority on the side of those without, and ignorance on the side of the other, it is no wonder why these relationships collapse.

Here are a few suggestions on how to show your support during these trying times:

Be a true friend. Fair weather friends are not allowed, because this storm may get worse before it gets better. So be the same person you always were to them. Allow them to have stable relationships even if their finances are not on solid ground. Invite them out or over for lunch or dinner whenever possible. Find creative, low cost ways to socialize based on things you know they would enjoy. The negative emotions mentioned earlier are strongest when these people are isolated; but they can be deterred by the presence of a loving family and good friends.

Take an interest. Find out what type of career they are looking for, it may be different from what they were doing before; especially if they have worked in industries like real estate and finance, or were self-employed. The only way you will be able to give them leads or to refer them with any authority or persuasiveness is to genuinely get to know their talents, skills and vision. Many friends keep their relationships so personal, that they do not get to know each other professionally. This is a perfect occasion to learn something new about them, so take it!

Network. Now is not the time to be quiet and passive. When you are socializing within your circle of influence and you see an opportunity to discuss your unemployed friend’s professional prowess (because you were listening and took an interest) – do so. We are all blessed to be a blessing and you would appreciate someone speaking on your behalf if you were jobless. Additionally, there is something special about a strong reference that comes from a third party. Again, speak with authority and persuasiveness.

Please share any further suggestions or examples on how to be there for people during hard financial times.

Tips on what not to do will be posted within the next couple of days.

#8. Women need to know “chemistry” is overrated.

In the words of Michael Baisden, “yeah, I said it.”
Allow me to explain.

When you first met, the chemistry was great; it was like he read your mind.
You were inseparable.
Where you saw one, you were certain to see the other.
You finished each other’s sentences.
Everything you thought you needed in a man was fulfilled.
Or so you pretended.
You were so sold on bliss that you chose not to buy the whole truth.
Don’t rain on my parade. Haters!
Soon there were wedding rings and wedding bells.
But once the honeymoon was over, the real world and the real work began.
Now you’re wondering “why you got married” or if you even married the right man.
Been there done that.
Now you’re singing “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”.
You feel invisible.
He never listens.
Seems to be oblivious to what is going on in your world.
The only time you get any attention is, well, you know when, and those sparks have fizzled out.
Well, suck it up.
That man you married is not perfect, by far, and the mere fact that he married you is proof enough.
To his credit, he really is not so bad though (unless he is a Beater or a Cheater).
The only bad thing for women is that “butterflies” do not last. They are only the introduction to the story.

You have to write the rest.
Remember what brought you to love in the first place.
Was it his dedication to his career? So why are you complaining about him working all the time.
Was it his affection towards children? So why are you still on birth control?
No criticism, just inquiring.
Think not that the grass is greener elsewhere; because the start is common and the finish will agree unless you learn the lesson.
Staying in a relationship only up to the point that it is fun is immature.
Jumping in and out of relationships like you log in and out of your computer could open you up to viruses.
How naive to think that love will always look and feel the same as the day you took your vows. Change is inevitable.
Know that that loving feeling will fade at times.
Drawback on your top five requirements – love God, love you, love kids, love family, love to work, or whatever yours might be, I’m just sharing my own - and stick to it.
If you are in sync on the above; count your blessings.
Take the time to restore that animal attraction.
Perhaps you stopped doing a few things too. Just probing again.
Hair, Heels, you know what works…

Edit your love story.
Chemistry is what you make it. It is a two way street.
So keep it fresh and enjoy the ride.
Expect the challenges, but try to stay in it for the long haul.

Here is the best marriage advice I never received.
Warmest wishes.

#5. Women Want to Share

but they have to be extra careful

“who”

they share

“what”

with. People in your circle hold varying roles and should only be privy to certain topics. Although a woman can instinctively talk about most anything, anytime or anywhere; this is not always appropriate. So let us quickly identify the roles and the quality of information women can afford to place in each inbox:

PARENTS -
They are good for sharing the emotional facts of life, excluding too many details about premarital relationships. Once you are married however, keep the minor negative issues about your spouse to a minimum. Your parents will never love your life partner as much as you and will not be as quick to forgive their faults. So be discerning with sensitive matters. Parents are generally very loving and supportive, but honest to a fault because they will always see you as their child.

SPOUSES -
Studies have tried to capture the daily word count of a woman, and although it varies, a woman still averages two to three times more words than a man. For example, for the 7,000 words a man may use in a day, a woman will use 21,000. Mathematically, the man is not usually able to keep up with a woman in a conversation so you have to be specific about your topic but without making it a question-and-answer session. The trick here is to first, have the man’s attention before you start the conversation. Do not try to talk to him while he is working or tired or his focus is on something else. Men are not always the best to talk to about emotional issues either because they are innately driven to try to solve problems, rather than listening; which can make matters worse. Men can easily confuse your need to share as an attack on them – strange, but true. When they are unable to solve the problem or cannot follow the conversation they become irritable. Remember, men need to feel that there is something for them to fix; when you just need to vent, be sure to tell them up front to avoid unnecessary arguments.

BEST FRIENDS –
These are the best people to have those deep emotional conversations. All those extra words left at the end of the day are best spent here. In general, you have known these people from your youth and have shared many of life’s ups and downs. They love you and are excited about your personal growth; plus as women, they want to talk just like you do. The only word of caution here is to never mention anything that would embarrass your parents or your spouse. Some times it is hard not to tell it all; but just as you would never divulge the most intimate details of your best friend’s dramas with your husband or parents; then preserve their confidence as well.

ASSOCIATES –
You connect with this set through a common activity like work or a social organization; or through a mutual friend or spouse. They may never move to the best friend status, but there is no reason not to enjoy their company and conversation; just keep it light. Their loyalties are not as strong as the other groups and they should not be EXPECTED to be responsible with those intimate details of your life; and definitely not your dreams! Only tell them what you would not mind hearing in the streets.

If none of the aforementioned holds true for you, there is no shame in seeking professional counsel. These people are bound by ethics to keep everything you say confidential because you pay them to listen– so have your say and share away.