#17. Women need not act this way with unemployed family and friends

The “Dos” for being supportive in a struggling economy were presented last week. Here are a few “Do Nots”:

• Do Not - Discount their dreams and ambitions. Being supportive does not connote transferring your ideals onto them or berating their vision. Just because you think they should try retail, work as a nanny, or become a part of your MLM opportunity does not mean that they should forego their personal pursuits to follow your plan. It is fine to make suggestions but it is more important that you listen (not just to make your sales pitch) in order to help them meet their own objectives.

• Do Not - Embarrass them by discussing the personal details. Nine times out of ten, if the have been without a decent wage for some time this could be negatively affecting their personal life (i.e. marriage, meals and mortgage.) Remember that networking is for professional reasons centered on employability not gossip. Questions impermissible in the context of a job interview should be off limits after hours as well. Suggest that the potential contact ask your friend anything you feel is too personal. Abusing this opportunity to edify a friend by highlighting instead how wonderful you are for lending a helping hand to the “needy” will do more harm than good. No one wants to hire someone others deem as pitiful – perhaps too pitiful to do the job.

• Do Not - Avoid unemployed family and friends. In fact, initiate the conversation if possible by asking “how do you think I could help you during this transition?” Listen to their suggestions and then offer a realistic response to their plea based on your capabilities. Do not make empty promises?!? You do not owe anyone anything, and your best effort is always enough - there is no need for cowardice. By avoiding their phone calls or emails (with resume attached) will only build resentment and destroy relations. It is better to meet this topic head on and be honest about what you can or cannot do to be supportive. Candor is the best approach and leaves no room for delusions.

Am I my brother’s keeper? Well, no I am not, but I am always more than willing to lend a helping hand whenever I can.

Best wishes for better relationships in 2009.

#16. Women (and men) need to be supportive of unemployed friends and family.

To lose anything brings about negative emotions, how much more when that thing is a job? Feelings of shame, depression, doubt, confusion and fear can top the list. In lieu of the current economic state of America, we are all highly likely to know someone personally who falls into this category of "unemployed". As friends and family members, of people facing these dire circumstances, it is important to be supportive - but what does that specifically entail?

The bible speaks about the distance created by finances, even among friends:

Proverbs 14:20The poor are despised even by their neighbors, while the rich have many friends.
Proverbs 19:4Wealth makes many friends; poverty drives them all away.

Wisdom knows money divides family and friends. Sometimes it is by location, if a family can no longer afford to keep their home and are forced to move into a different neighborhood. Do friends and family continue to visit? Sometimes through socialization, friends can no longer afford to vacation or participate in various activities. How are they kept in the loop when they can no longer afford to keep up? With inferiority on the side of those without, and ignorance on the side of the other, it is no wonder why these relationships collapse.

Here are a few suggestions on how to show your support during these trying times:

Be a true friend. Fair weather friends are not allowed, because this storm may get worse before it gets better. So be the same person you always were to them. Allow them to have stable relationships even if their finances are not on solid ground. Invite them out or over for lunch or dinner whenever possible. Find creative, low cost ways to socialize based on things you know they would enjoy. The negative emotions mentioned earlier are strongest when these people are isolated; but they can be deterred by the presence of a loving family and good friends.

Take an interest. Find out what type of career they are looking for, it may be different from what they were doing before; especially if they have worked in industries like real estate and finance, or were self-employed. The only way you will be able to give them leads or to refer them with any authority or persuasiveness is to genuinely get to know their talents, skills and vision. Many friends keep their relationships so personal, that they do not get to know each other professionally. This is a perfect occasion to learn something new about them, so take it!

Network. Now is not the time to be quiet and passive. When you are socializing within your circle of influence and you see an opportunity to discuss your unemployed friend’s professional prowess (because you were listening and took an interest) – do so. We are all blessed to be a blessing and you would appreciate someone speaking on your behalf if you were jobless. Additionally, there is something special about a strong reference that comes from a third party. Again, speak with authority and persuasiveness.

Please share any further suggestions or examples on how to be there for people during hard financial times.

Tips on what not to do will be posted within the next couple of days.

#7. Women need to drop that zero and redefine their definition of a “hero”. (Give a nice guy a chance.)

I hear the brothers complaining that nice guys are still finishing last. Are women really only interested in men with deep pockets and fancy cars? Big-ballers? Shot-callers? Is a man only qualified if he can give you “whatever you like, (you like), yeah”? I hope not, because this shortage of men will only become more severe when he has to compete with T.I.’s promise of buying a woman anything her heart desires. Although this sounds good on the surface and can be flattering to hear; it is rarely realistic. Simply stated “you cannot buy happiness”, and more importantly, a rich man is not necessarily a good man. Ask the countless number of ex-wives to the stars.

Perhaps you are not in it for love, and if that it the case, this post is not for you. But for those single sisters who are praying for the right man, and complaining that all the good ones are taken, in jail or gay; I would like to introduce you to a few you may have overlooked:

1. The Graduate. This one is noticeably younger than you are, and you are not trying to become Mrs. Robinson. “Don’t even approach me; I’m not interested in teaching you anything that your mother did not already”, you say to yourself. Granted men mature at a slower pace than women, so why push it. I am not here to say that this science is not yet proven, but at least let him get a sentence out before you send him back to his dorm. Just joking. Some men actually have “old souls” and are very mature for their ages. I would not advise a woman to pursue a relationship with a young man who is the same age as her children, but among consenting adults – “age is just a number”.
2. Mr. Undereducated. You see this handsome man walking your way. He approaches you correctly, and you engage in a powerful conversation that inevitably leads to “so where did you attend (college)?” Then you learn that he either did not attend college, matriculated for a while but left without any paper, or he graduated but with a lesser degree. Instantly, you find him below your enlightened pedigree. Absurd. This man may be the next Steven Spielberg, Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Ted Turner, or Steve Jobs. Need I say more? If perhaps, you are not “smart” enough to notice the theme – none of these extraordinary entrepreneurs graduated from college; but I bet you would not snub them. So don’t be so quick to judge; you could be meeting Mr. Right at just the right time.
3. The Baby Daddy. Ladies, it is not so much about the children is it? Kids can be so cute and loving; and what good woman does not admire a man that takes care of his responsibility? The truth is that you think the baby’s mama will cause you undue drama. Well, it does not have to be that way and it is not your battle to fight. Your relationship is not with the mother of his children, but with him. If he is conscientious and thoughtful, he has already given some thought about how this new relationship with you will affect his relationship with his child. At the appointed time, you both will discuss the dynamics of this triad and settle on whatever works best. But whatever you do; do not let invalidated insecurities or fears be the determining factor.
4. Mr. EOC. He is an entirely different hue from you; yes, I am talking about his complexion. You could be fiercely chocolate and he might be freckled pink, but it should not matter. Sure you will be a walking Benetton advertisement, and that is okay. Love has no color. Men have been dating women from all walks of life, every tribe and every color for generations. Women, specifically African-American women, need to get into the game. There are too many beautiful sistahs out there bypassing love because of the color of the package. If all the men in your race are finding mates in other ethnic groups, then you may end up being an old maid while trying to hold it down for the cause. Diversify your options for success by becoming a part of the Equal Opportunity Commission.
   

I am exhausted trying to point out the obvious, so I’ll close by suggesting that you get to know a man first before you shoot him down. Whatever you do, please do not dismiss a polite, hard-working, responsible man just because he happens to fit one of the aforementioned titles. This is how good guys go bad. I can think of a whole host of reasons (i.e. crazy, violent, drug abuser, cheater) to tell a man to step off; but these are purely superficial.

It is time to get rid of all the silly excuses, so women can prepare their hearts to receive, and nice guys can get their girls!

If you have a success story about how you found love with someone who was not quite your type, please share: whatwomenwantandneed@gmail.com or post a comment.