Warning for Women: Are you aware of your online reputation?

Remember when your reputation had to do with the company you kept? And once you matured you were quick to correct anyone who would try to tarnish your image, because you knew that future endeavors like college and career would depend on it. Well, your online reputation is just as important. If you have ever done a search for your name on the internet, you were likely surprised to find a host of other people with the same name. I did, and my name is not that common, or so I thought. With further inspection, I have noticed that some of my namesakes are into all sorts of career choices; not necessarily ones I would chose for me. Just today, a message was sent to my Facebook account by someone wondering if I was an old friend (a common occurrence). I was NOT the person she was looking for (also common), but it reveals that information and identities are often confused.

The advent of the World Wide Web and social networking sites has created many benefits that we all use on a daily basis to make our lives easier and more pleasurable. We socialize, pay our bills, reconcile our checking accounts, review our medical records, buy our goods and services, and gather information all over the internet. Most of us do not see the need for reputation management because we are naturally good people who would never use these resources to cause harm. But what about the “home detective” shops that are overly anxious to sell, what may be, your last three addresses, phone numbers, and family secrets for a special membership rate? Or what about the online smear campaigns levied against people by sloppy journalist – these days that is anyone with a mean-spirited opinion and a website? Do you actually know what is being said about you and if it is negative, how do you respond?

Mistakes are made; identities are confused; and too many times, stolen. Unfortunately, that same bad news or misinformation can spread quicker, faster and last longer on the internet. Yet this is our greatest source for data. In fact, more and more Universities, Employers and Customers are relying on these online searches to make their decisions about you. Perhaps, now is the time to defend yourself and learn more about Online Reputation Management.

#21. Women need to have Inspired Action

Yes, this is also a new series. Just as you may enjoy reading 3 to 5 books at the same time, I enjoy writing about 3 to 5 different subjects at a time. It actually allows me to organize my thoughts into manageable topics. Good. We got that out of the way.

Now back to the subject at hand – Inspired Action. It is the type of sensible activity that challenges women to “do” things of significance in order to fulfill those goals discovered during their “me” time. What it is not – is worrying, irrational behavior, doing things in haste, or out of dread or fear. Unfortunately, due to the pace of life, it is understandable that we would spend the bulk of our day not acting from inspiration but from desperation. How can we do better? Well, some philosophers encourage you to spend 15 – 30 minutes per day working on your dreams. That is all fine and dandy, but why not make inspired action a part of your daily routine. That will be the focus of this series!

So my thought for today refers back to our infamous mother of octuplets. This morning it was revealed that this woman already has six (6) other children, she did take fertility drugs, and she has been living with her mother, and there is no information about the whereabouts of her husband. Now I don’t know a lot of about the questioning that takes place prior to receiving the nod to undergo fertility treatment, but a woman who already has six children does not fit the characteristics of an ideal candidate. Do you agree?

Unless…unless she went into this with some plan or inspired action, in mind. Let’s consider that this is not a wealthy family. By the looks of the mother’s home they may be middle-class people. Perhaps, the husband is trying to find work to provide for his substantial brood; and we know the state of our economy, so he may have battles with depression and insecurity. When all of a sudden - his wife has an idea. She is a mother and is aware that there are other women in the world who are not as fortunate to carry children to full term. These infertile women could be wonderful parents if given the opportunity and most adoptive parents want infants. They want the normal parent experience of seeing that child grow from infancy to adulthood. This mother obviously knows she IS capable of bearing children. So now we have supply and demand. I’m just wondering if possibly, instead of selling her eggs like some women are doing in order to stay afloat financially, this woman decided to get pregnant with multiple children and sell them through adoption. This is just a thought.

Actually a reader yesterday suggested that this mother give her babies to those less fortunate, and I made a comment in return to define the “less fortunate” as barren women. Then today we receive this new development, and now what seemed to be a comedic exchange could have more relevance. What do you think? Again why was she allowed to even receive fertility drugs? What are the standards? And is it “Abortion”, when a woman chooses to lessen the number of fertilized eggs created by fertility or in vitro methods? So did she make the right decision? Was this inspired action – to have a larger family, or for profit, or what? Knowing what we know now, did this mother exhibit personal responsibility?

#20. Women need to be Selfish

This is the first of a new blog series, or what I have come to define as “slogs”. In the SELFISH slogs, my plan is to examine things women can and should do to honor themselves.

By now everyone has heard about the woman who birthed octuplets, six boys and 2 girls to be exact. That’s a lot of little people packed in one belly but somehow she managed. They say this is only the second set of live-born octuplets, so there is much ado about whether the mother took fertility drugs and concerning her desire to breast feed her new bambinos. Personally, I am not interested in either. There will be no judgment from me about fertility drugs, because I considered it myself. Once I decided that I wanted to have children, I instantly connected with how many as well. Uh, eight, never, but I did want twins. But there was one big problem; twins did not run in my family or my husband’s family. So fertility drugs were a very real alternative and I still feel that way. When I do remarry, and if my husband does not carry the necessary gene, then I will certainly revisit this as an option. Secondly, what a woman says and what she does during emotional times are two different stories. Perhaps in the initial stage of bliss, with all the amazement surrounding these miraculous births, this mother really does believe she will be able to breast feed them all. Hey, those are her breasts not mine. And I wage that she may try but it won’t last long. Still I give her so much respect for even having the desire, or maybe I should be praising the drugs that dulled her pain and her senses. Wait, I said I would not judge, so I mean that in the most unbiased manner.

What I am most concerned about is this mother, this wife - this woman, first and foremost - may not have that opportunity for solitude for quite a long while. Without the proper assistance, she could easily tire herself out completely just trying to fulfill her new role. No mention of how this will affect her marriage. But again, and more importantly, where and when will she find the “me” time, we divas so desperately need? I know women with three kids who believe they need three nannies, and some who cannot control one, so what happens to the mother of eight? Well, I have a few suggestions if she is interested:

Dear Mother of 8 simultaneously,

Here are my 8 ways you can get uninterrupted “me” time for at least one-hour per day, without resorting to hiding out in the bathroom:

1. Quickly nix the whole breast feeding idea and get some formula. Pump if you must, but the reports show she will not have enough time in the day to do this anyway, and you can’t give one kid mother’s best and not the rest. Switch to the bottle fast.

2. Move your mother in so she can help. Remind her that these are her grandchildren too, and if she wants them to grow up healthy she needs to pitch in for a couple of years.

3. Make nice with the mother-in-law, and move her in as well. Same as above.

4. Invite all the older ladies at the church or in the neighborhood to take turns coming by and helping with cleaning and cooking.

5. Give your good girlfriends the pleasure of being their sounding board; only if they want to come by and help you out. This allows you your much needed girl-talk time as well.

6. Husbands need to be providers, but they helped bring these bundles of joy into the world and they need to be certain to spend time fathering them as well.

7. Seek out a diaper, formula or any baby product for an endorsement. Nothing sells like a testimonial, and you have a lot to testify about.

8. Use your new funding from the above to start a blinged out day care center. Make more money, serve your needs and serve the needs of others. That’s what I call using what you got.

I hope it helps!

#19. Women need to treasure this time in history.

This week our country will so poignantly observe two of America’s finest:

• Martin Luther King Jr., the greatest civil rights leader of all times – representing a dream for a better America.


• Barack Obama, soon to be our 44th President and the first African American president - symbolizing a dream being fulfilled.

Those who have the oomph to brave the gridlocked traffic, the freezing cold, and millions of people packed together like sardines on the National Mall, will end up with a slew of pictures and their pick of nearly 100 Presidential Inauguration Events. But the rest of us need not feel like bystanders. If I may, I would encourage you to:

1. Take the time to talk to a young person about the American Civil Rights movement. If you are not well versed on this subject, then invite them to do some research or to attend any number of the local Martin Luther King Jr. commemorative events planned for your community, and later discuss your experiences. This could be your Monday MLK activity.


2. Take the time to talk to someone from the “old guard”. Choose a person at least 70 years old, white, black or purple. Ask them about their thoughts on the Civil Rights movement to the Present (and the new Black First Family moving into the White House). This could be done on Tuesday, some time after President Obama’s inaugural address.


3. Journal about each conversation, each activity and the related emotions. Archive your notes safely for posterity.

If you care to share, or brag, about what you have planned – please be my guest. Whatever you do, Celebrate!

Lift every voice and sing,
'Til earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us;
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on 'til victory is won.
Stony the road we trod,
Bitter the chast'ning rod,
Felt in the days when hope unborn had died;
Yet with a steady beat,
Have not our weary feet
Come to the place for which our fathers sighed?
We have come over a way that with tears has been watered,
We have come, treading our path through the blood of the slaughtered,
Out from the gloomy past,
'Til now we stand at last
Where the white gleam of our bright star is cast.
God of our weary years,
God of our silent tears,
Thou who has brought us thus far on the way;
Thou who has by Thy might
Led us into the light,
Keep us forever in the path, we pray.
Lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met Thee,
Lest, our hearts drunk with the wine of the world, we forget Thee;
Shadowed beneath Thy hand,
May we forever stand,
True to our God,
True to our native land.

"Lift Every Voice and Sing" by James Weldon Johnson

Legacy song

by Nicole Nordeman

#18. Women Need to Leave a Legacy

Someone near and dear to my heart experienced the gravest loss a couple of years ago, practically to the day. From what I have learned about his mother, not having the pleasure of knowing her personally, I am sure many hearts are heavy at this time. The last few weeks have been somber for obvious reasons; and I struggled with how to be available and sympathetic without suffocating him. Having lived through the death of a parent and my beloved grandfather, I know something about the feelings of separation and the irreplaceable void that permeates your soul. I also know that you occasionally need to be alone with your thoughts and memories in order to fill those spaces when the emptiness becomes too vast.

While determined to give him breathing space; I found myself searching for ways to not dwell on the infectious sorrow. Instead I began to marvel at the words written about his mother’s life and her compassion and service to those less fortunate. Isn’t that what we should do when someone passes? - Celebrate the life.

That energy led me to reflect on further wonderful women who had also lived with splendor - helping and unselfishly giving to others:

• Aunt Retha – the kindest, most loving, Godliest woman I have ever known. Although she never conceived children of her own; she was never child-less. A wife, a caregiver, a sister, an aunt. Everyone who knew her attempted to claim her as their living guardian angel. This woman’s prayers could reach heaven and she will be forever cherished in so many hearts all across the nation. How I miss her.
• Grandma Gussie – full of love, with a home that was always open to others. She was a wife and a mother who not only raised her children but her grandchildren. A good Christian woman who never spoke an unkind word against anyone.
• Shirley Francheville – an entrepreneur, a Godly woman, a nurse, an activist, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a friend. Her passion for women, and female entrepreneurs is sorely missed.
• Gladys Streater – my friend’s mother, gracious, hilariously down-to-earth, a mentor to the women who worked with her and for her, a Godly woman, a grandmother, a wife, a sister, a mother to her own and to others.
• Jade Hagins – a mover and a shaker, a leader, an adoptive mother, an educator, a sweet spirit, a Delta, a sister, dedicated to the empowerment of young girls in her community.
  

The women aforementioned died years ago but the affects of their lives live on. Their works will never be forgotten and the service they rendered extended far beyond the bonds of their flesh-and-blood. Are you living a life that would foster the same response? Am I? If not, shouldn’t we? Let us live so that men and women can celebrate. Let us feed the hungry, clothe the homeless, and protect the innocent. INTENTIONALLY - let us live deliberately seeking out others to bless and show the love of God, just as these women did. So that when, not if, but definitely when, we leave this world and cross over into the here-after, we will have left behind a legacy of memories so rich and pleasing, that they will fill the empty spaces in the hearts of those we touched.

Let us be salt and light in the earth while we still have breath.

#17. Women need not act this way with unemployed family and friends

The “Dos” for being supportive in a struggling economy were presented last week. Here are a few “Do Nots”:

• Do Not - Discount their dreams and ambitions. Being supportive does not connote transferring your ideals onto them or berating their vision. Just because you think they should try retail, work as a nanny, or become a part of your MLM opportunity does not mean that they should forego their personal pursuits to follow your plan. It is fine to make suggestions but it is more important that you listen (not just to make your sales pitch) in order to help them meet their own objectives.

• Do Not - Embarrass them by discussing the personal details. Nine times out of ten, if the have been without a decent wage for some time this could be negatively affecting their personal life (i.e. marriage, meals and mortgage.) Remember that networking is for professional reasons centered on employability not gossip. Questions impermissible in the context of a job interview should be off limits after hours as well. Suggest that the potential contact ask your friend anything you feel is too personal. Abusing this opportunity to edify a friend by highlighting instead how wonderful you are for lending a helping hand to the “needy” will do more harm than good. No one wants to hire someone others deem as pitiful – perhaps too pitiful to do the job.

• Do Not - Avoid unemployed family and friends. In fact, initiate the conversation if possible by asking “how do you think I could help you during this transition?” Listen to their suggestions and then offer a realistic response to their plea based on your capabilities. Do not make empty promises?!? You do not owe anyone anything, and your best effort is always enough - there is no need for cowardice. By avoiding their phone calls or emails (with resume attached) will only build resentment and destroy relations. It is better to meet this topic head on and be honest about what you can or cannot do to be supportive. Candor is the best approach and leaves no room for delusions.

Am I my brother’s keeper? Well, no I am not, but I am always more than willing to lend a helping hand whenever I can.

Best wishes for better relationships in 2009.

#16. Women (and men) need to be supportive of unemployed friends and family.

To lose anything brings about negative emotions, how much more when that thing is a job? Feelings of shame, depression, doubt, confusion and fear can top the list. In lieu of the current economic state of America, we are all highly likely to know someone personally who falls into this category of "unemployed". As friends and family members, of people facing these dire circumstances, it is important to be supportive - but what does that specifically entail?

The bible speaks about the distance created by finances, even among friends:

Proverbs 14:20The poor are despised even by their neighbors, while the rich have many friends.
Proverbs 19:4Wealth makes many friends; poverty drives them all away.

Wisdom knows money divides family and friends. Sometimes it is by location, if a family can no longer afford to keep their home and are forced to move into a different neighborhood. Do friends and family continue to visit? Sometimes through socialization, friends can no longer afford to vacation or participate in various activities. How are they kept in the loop when they can no longer afford to keep up? With inferiority on the side of those without, and ignorance on the side of the other, it is no wonder why these relationships collapse.

Here are a few suggestions on how to show your support during these trying times:

Be a true friend. Fair weather friends are not allowed, because this storm may get worse before it gets better. So be the same person you always were to them. Allow them to have stable relationships even if their finances are not on solid ground. Invite them out or over for lunch or dinner whenever possible. Find creative, low cost ways to socialize based on things you know they would enjoy. The negative emotions mentioned earlier are strongest when these people are isolated; but they can be deterred by the presence of a loving family and good friends.

Take an interest. Find out what type of career they are looking for, it may be different from what they were doing before; especially if they have worked in industries like real estate and finance, or were self-employed. The only way you will be able to give them leads or to refer them with any authority or persuasiveness is to genuinely get to know their talents, skills and vision. Many friends keep their relationships so personal, that they do not get to know each other professionally. This is a perfect occasion to learn something new about them, so take it!

Network. Now is not the time to be quiet and passive. When you are socializing within your circle of influence and you see an opportunity to discuss your unemployed friend’s professional prowess (because you were listening and took an interest) – do so. We are all blessed to be a blessing and you would appreciate someone speaking on your behalf if you were jobless. Additionally, there is something special about a strong reference that comes from a third party. Again, speak with authority and persuasiveness.

Please share any further suggestions or examples on how to be there for people during hard financial times.

Tips on what not to do will be posted within the next couple of days.

#15. Women need to just give the goods away

You would think with all this technology that it would be simpler to sale your wares but not so, at least not for me. I am sure the EBayers would tell me otherwise and I am open to their suggestions! Please tell me what to do, because this weekend, I had a very unsuccessful garage sale; earning about $1.00 per hour. It cost me more just to have the sale. This was very strange to me because I am a professional garage seller – have been doing it for years and I always make money and sell nearly everything. In the past I have attributed it to my keen sense of organization, living in the right neighborhoods and pricing my items to sale. Marketing was always the least of my worries – I could put out a few signs the morning of and like magic anonymous buyers would appear to take away all my used goods.

Not so this year. I actually spent money to advertise my larger items and the garage sale as a whole, through an online classified site. I even paid to include pictures. Well the site garnered only a modest number of calls and emails, so I took the same postings and listed them on Craigslist for FREE and received even more contacts. Hint: Free is sometimes better. The uncomfortable thing about these online buyers is that they want to have private showings apart from your sale date and I would not oblige. Consequently NONE of them showed up for the actual garage sale – except one lady who came as I was packing everything up and she only purchased a set of antique-like gas lamps. In the end I was left with all my furniture and most of my wares. On top of that, nobody was even driving through the neighborhood and it was a perfectly beautiful day.

My first inclination was to drag it all to the road and let the moochers steal it during the evening hours. Then I thought better and decided to call a consignment furniture store to come pick it up. When they did not have trucks on the weekend; they offered me the option of bringing my furniture in myself or waiting until the weekday. I waited. On Monday, however, I was given the run around by these scratch-and-dent operators. I could not understand what was so hard about scheduling a pick-up and became increasingly irritable with each conversation.

In retrospect I think I was just supposed to give it away all the time. Finally, I made that decision. My smaller appliances were donated to Goodwill and my furniture was given to Salvation Army. It was, in fact, easy to do the right thing! I called for pickup and they were there the next morning with a pre-printed receipt. The process of giving away things that no longer were useful to me but would benefit someone else was freeing and blessed my soul immensely. I only wish I had thought of it sooner.

Still I wonder, do these online classified sites really work or are they just fronts for crooks to come into your home? Am I too skeptical? What will become of the good ole fashioned garage and yard sale? How do you get rid of your old furniture and appliances without them? If your prices end up being haggled down to nothing anyway, why not donate it to a charity and save yourself some time, hard work and money? For now, my best advice is to just give the goods away…

#14. Women need salvation from reality TV shows

This post is unfortunately about a reality show I happened to watch and how it disrupted my night. I am not opposed to all shows of this genre because I am a big American Idol fan, used to follow Survivor and The Apprentice, before it went celebrity. However I feel as if the networks are inundated with these containerized talk shows, and instead of seeking quality they are grasping at straws.

So it is the last day of our holiday vacation and the family is hanging out with my little cousin before he heads back to college and we are eating and having fun. As the conversation mellows we head into the living room where “True Beauty”, the new collaboration between Tyra Banks and Ashton Kutcher, is already in progress. Initially, the group of us challenged the criteria for participating on this show – this is supposed to be a beauty contest right? But in true reality form, the more you look at people, the more they grow on you and so did the show - at least until the last twenty-minutes when they totally blew it.

What bothered me most was not the absence of all cultures and diverse looks, but that the most ethnic woman was dismissed first. How did the networks let this happen? How could they buy into stereotypical rules about beauty, all while stating that the show is about inner beauty as well? The lone beauty banished from the show did not have a symmetrical face so she was among the least beautiful, her name was hard to pronounce, she was nosey, had a foul mouth, an ATTITUDE, was arrogant, and she did not even have the good sense to hold the door open for a guy carrying a tray of coffee. I read her every move. When does typecasting go too far? Is not this the type of neck-rolling black female that sappy black males complain about and leave for white women? Was that the ulterior motive here?

In the meantime, I would really like to know how Hadiyyah-lah got this job. Perhaps her pledge to natural beauty made her different and eligible for the competition, but what about her obvious personality issues? Someone had to notice. Now here it is on mainstream television for all to see. For all dufuses, who really think reality television is real, to rationalize their prejudices. This is not all beautiful black women and Tyra, of all people, should know this.

Again, I am tired of the networks pawning off cheap labor, wannabe actors on us as good television. I am frustrated about how women are depicted on too many of these beauty and dating shows. How can we save the integrity of “real” women from Hollywood?

#13. Women need to be celebrated! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I just love being able to start fresh, don’t you? God grants the seasons in order to foster the metamorphosis that we need in our lives. For me, it has become a ritual on New Year’s Eve to take at least an hour to review my goals for that year, list the things I did accomplish, and then I prepare my upcoming goals for the year ahead. These are not resolutions but promises I make to myself.

After reviewing my 2008 goals, I noticed that I had broken a lot of promises. This realization left me feeling mildly melancholy knowing that I had only hit a small percentage of my annual targets. But on the other hand, I knew that within a few hours I could start this party all over again with a fresh set of objectives; and so I did. Through prayer, I was inspired to trust myself with eight new goals, chock-full of power and passion.

One of my promises included changing the slant of this blog. In 2008 it was all about women being underestimated and trying to breed responses from that communal feeling of being taken for granted. But it is a new day baby! 2009 is about WOMEN BEING CELEBRATED. The focus is no longer on the negative emotions, female bashing, or the self-deprecating insights women are accustomed; instead http://whatwomenwantandneed.blogspot.com/ is dedicated to highlighting solutions on how to live a purposeful life while affecting positive change in women. For we live this life not just to be blessed for selfish gain but to also be a blessing to others.

Do you have a testimony of sorts about an accomplishment in 2008 or a promise you are making to yourself for the future? Remember your struggle is not yours alone and there is no need to be ashamed. The battles you have faced are to be shared so that they can benefit someone else; in that honesty you will be blessed in return.

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all a Happy and Prosperous New Year!!!