#31. Women should never go on The Bachelor!

Women should never go on The Bachelor. If you have not figured it out then by chance you will enjoy this writer's take on the subject. I did so much that I had to post a link to it on my blog for your review:

Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It?): Episode 59
http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/03/single-ladies-put-a-ring-on-it-episode-59.html

Although, I do not support The Bachelor, I still support a 2010 Black Bachelorette. If the show continues to air, then why not?

Peace & Love,

#30. Women and American viewers need a black "Bachelorette" for 2010.

Enough with The Bachelor television series and its 100% failure rate; this show is just a front for nice guys who want to fondle twenty-five (25) women over the course of eight weeks without spending a dime on one of them. Can you imagine this guy doesn’t even have to pay for the engagement ring? The only commitment the Bachelor makes is in fulfilling most men’s dream of dating beautiful women, at the same time, and taking them to romantic destinations gratis. Not too bad of a gig. If I were I guy, I would sign up too.

But the poor women, constantly cooing and crying over a “husband” that will never be. On the other hand, The Bachelorette has held a slightly better record with the marriage of Trista and Ryan in 2003. Nothing much has happened on the show since, but there is potential. That opportunity comes with finding a Black Bachelorette. Not one of those Flavor Flav types – with their rap video appeal. I’m suggesting an African-American woman with a lot of class, professionalism, basically a woman with nothing missing but the “man”.

Black women, typically prefer to date and marry black men, but with the state of the black American male being disproportionately higher (than other races) for disease, incarceration, and homosexuality – the choices are scarce, leaving exceptional, educated, strong black women home alone. On top of that, black males like all males, feel very free to date all races of women and are exercising that right without regret. ABC could capitalize on this racial imbalance by introducing the fortunate Bachelorette to “Something New” (men of different ethnicities). Of course, there should be African American men to choose from, as well, since that is her normal preference. But what a top-rated show (The Bachelorette 2010) would be if the world could watch this beautiful, mature woman break down boundaries and open up to men of all races in order to find a life-long mate.

Just as I challenge the black woman, who is uncomfortable dating outside of her race, I challenge ABC to make this happen – in the name of long lasting love, of course. I think I hear wedding bells. Tell me what you think?

Where is the love?

I know you are wondering what happened to the love we once shared? Well, blogging, much like your love life, gets pushed aside when "LIFE" gets in the way. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "people do what they want to do", and in theory I believe that to be true. However, I love to write and post these blogs but was unable to keep that commitment. Does that mean I really do not enjoy writing? In the case of "love" - if your significant other did not shower you with lavish gifts on Valentine's day, or vice versa, does that mean that the love is gone? I hope not. Why limit yourself to one day anyway? I cannot speak for all cases, but honestly, there are times when things that we do not enjoy as much have to take a precedence, i.e. taxes, moving, pumping gas, doing laundry. These mundane activities are all a part of life. My only advice is to not make a HABIT of putting things that are materialistic and temporal before the people you love and those spiritual connections that matter most...Hopefully we will return to love sometime tomorrow. I'm working on it.

Lovingly submitted,

#28. Women Need Love - Act 8

Don’t you admire those couples who keep it fresh and popping year after year? I know I do. Whenever I see a mature couple holding hands, or in a restaurant or the bookstore acting like honeymooners; I cannot help but smile and hope that one day I will be the one being admired for the same attributes.

I also respect, with great curiosity, a man who insists he knew he would marry his wife at the first moment he saw her. I have good friends who have been married for nearly two decades with that experience, and I have knowledge of some others. That is just crazy to me, though, especially when I consider how women often think, or hope “he” is “the one” only to find out he definitely IS NOT. As I am writing this, however, I now recall a male friend, Hunky Hank*, telling me that he thought God told him Hyper Heather* was going to be his wife. (*The names have been changed to protect the innocent). Oh Lord, and I now I remember hearing that Buffed Brad* told someone, who told me, that he was going to marry me one day. Too funny! Somebody either got the message wrong or is in disobedience, because we know God cannot lie. But it does prove that guys get emotional too and miss the mark, and in my aforementioned scenario, that can be a huge blessing.

Still, kudos goes out to those who recognized LOVE from the start, were obedient and are still hanging tight; abiding until the end. This song, one of my favorites by Music Soulchild is dedicated to you: Don't Change.

If you happen to be one of those fortunate couples, I would sincerely love to hear your story.

V-Day Gift Idea

Valentine’s Day is just four days away but it is still enough time to send all the people you love and appreciate a very special gift. If you need quick and easy, you may consider sending flowers to those near or far. And nothing says “I love you”, “I like you”, or “I would like to get to know you better” like a dozen roses. The presentation alone is priceless. Last year, I received roses from a male friend, and they were packaged so beautifully, my entire office was gawking. They made me want to give him another chance – no, not really! But my point is that I still remember the gift.

Roses also come in an assortment of colors, and each shade has its own meaning, allowing you to give them to anyone you like. Red is for love, pink is for appreciation, yellow is for friendship, and white is for purity, and there are even more choices. The season of love is not sexist nor is it just for couples. So send a single rose or a dozen to your friends and family members.

#27. Women Need Love - Act 7

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

But is this sage advice or sweet-sounding movie gibberish? I think it is a little of both, but isn’t that the reason we listen to songs and watch movies that pull at our heart strings, anyway? It is an innate desire to have that which is better than us; it is our escape.

These famous lines are taken from the aptly titled movie, “Love Story”, one of my favorite date flicks. And although the words are idealistic, the movie deals with tear-jerking realizations and circumstances; making the beautiful young characters even more amiable.

Check it out this week, if you can, and let me know what you think. If you have already seen it, do you agree that this one of the best of all times?

#9. Women need to learn how to support one another? (PEACE portions for the rest of ’08)

In the midst of an in-depth tête-à-tête about cultures and class systems; I was rudely interrupted with yet another example of women hating on other women. I know that is the reoccurring theme on the Tyra show but not on the weekend, not in the middle of breakfast. I am so frustrated with the subject. I could accept the sisterly banter if it were warranted; however it usually stems from insecurity and jealousy, like today’s topic of “light skinned vs. dark skinned”. But it actually gets worse:

• Working women vs. women who stay at home with their children
• Women with children vs. Women without children
• Single women vs. married women
• Women with dates vs. Women who cannot find a date
• Brunettes vs. Blondes
• Fat vs. Skinny
• Straight hair vs. Curly hair (or is that good hair vs. bad hair)
• Party girls vs. The girls next door
• Women with weave vs. Women with naturally long hair
• My daughter vs. Your daughter
• Rich girls vs. Valley girls
• Bi-racial vs. Non bi-racial
• Sorority sisters vs. Sorority sisters vs. Non-Greeks
• The wife vs. The “Other woman” (well, this one might make sense)
  

For ever reason under the sun, mostly derived from some form of self-hate; women will dislike and berate other women.

When did it begin? Was it an Electra Complex when Eve’s daughter competed with her for Adam’s attention? Or was it Eve who was jealous because her daughter was a younger version of her? Who knows? And my point is, who cares? Neither answer would be justifiable because here is the perfect example of female rivalry beginning at home with the one person a young girl ought to always feel secure – her mother.

Rodney King asked the cops who beat him to a pulp, and now I am asking women who undercut other women, “Why can’t we all just get along?” For example, why do women look at other women harder than they will the finest man in the building? Then they will break her down from top to bottom. You would never find a straight man analyzing another man like that. Is there a good reason for girls or adult women to partake in such "catty" behavior? Do we blame it all on men, and society, for forcing women to compete. All minority groups tend to suffer from the notion that there are limited resources needed to become successful (marriage, children, riches, power, a career or any combination thereof), thus, members of that minority group begin to act like “crabs in a bucket” - tearing one another down in order to rise, to shine, to be declared the “best in show”. Fear is such a powerful motivator. It makes even the most submissive creatures vicious. The divide and conquer tactic reminds me of a story about a sleazy guy, Tom, who figured he would date two women he worked with, Beth and Melinda, at the same time, unbeknownst to them. The women were complete opposite types; yet somehow Tom convinced each woman that she was his ideal preference. After a period of time, both Beth and Melinda became worried (female intuition) that Tom was dating someone else at work but neither could ever quite figure it. Why? Because Tom kept them separate and foolishly underestimating the other woman.

But then there are times when the fault lies solely on women's shoulders. How about the infamous YouTube fights where girls are beating up other girls? When did brawling become ladylike? Further instances exist when women fight without throwing punches, but the wound is just as deep. I know a successful female real estate broker who once admitted how it still hurt her that her female friends (she used the word not me) would rather list with a male broker. This is a very successful woman who should care less but actually it bothered her that some of the women close to her did not want to help her succeed even if it meant they would make money. Now you would never see a man do something stupid like this. He is not going to lose a dime just to stick it to another man.

How can women stop this destructive behavior, and begin to love themselves and respect their gender mates? Women (not just girls) might benefit from a self esteem class or two, to teach them their unique value, so they can then mentor the younger generation. Women need to learn how to support people who look like them without comparison; fostering female bonding devoid of fear of pain or competition. Women need to assess not only physical looks, but promote education and any special skills of the younger girls in their communities. Constantly telling girls how “pretty” they are without impressing upon them how they are equally “smart” and “talented” is a disservice to our young ladies. Beauty fades, so God could have never intended for looks to be the totality of a woman’s worth, and we should not either. Girls and little women especially need to LEARN this early on.

What power, GIRL power could be unleashed in the world with these simple truths? What goodwill women could offer if they worked as a unit instead enemies? I envision:

• the abolishment of the misogynistic ills of this society
• female networking and support groups for career, financial advice, female issues, children with disabilities, aging parents, etc.
• older women imparting wisdom about motherhood and marriage to the younguns.
  

None of that phony baloney, superficial female socializing that borders on gossip groups; or those multilevel marketing businesses that are primarily income driven (there is nothing wrong with that but that is not the purpose of this post). What I am suggesting is a camaraderie that requires a genuine interest in being a blessing to another woman without the expectation of gain. Now that is a paradigm shift.

I know I am constantly preaching that WOMEN are the nurturers of this society, and I just cannot help but imagine how awesome it would be if they learned how to feed one another. A new breed of women. NO more catfights. NO one for homosexuals to mimic. Oh, what peace on earth!

#8. Women need to know “chemistry” is overrated.

In the words of Michael Baisden, “yeah, I said it.”
Allow me to explain.

When you first met, the chemistry was great; it was like he read your mind.
You were inseparable.
Where you saw one, you were certain to see the other.
You finished each other’s sentences.
Everything you thought you needed in a man was fulfilled.
Or so you pretended.
You were so sold on bliss that you chose not to buy the whole truth.
Don’t rain on my parade. Haters!
Soon there were wedding rings and wedding bells.
But once the honeymoon was over, the real world and the real work began.
Now you’re wondering “why you got married” or if you even married the right man.
Been there done that.
Now you’re singing “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”.
You feel invisible.
He never listens.
Seems to be oblivious to what is going on in your world.
The only time you get any attention is, well, you know when, and those sparks have fizzled out.
Well, suck it up.
That man you married is not perfect, by far, and the mere fact that he married you is proof enough.
To his credit, he really is not so bad though (unless he is a Beater or a Cheater).
The only bad thing for women is that “butterflies” do not last. They are only the introduction to the story.

You have to write the rest.
Remember what brought you to love in the first place.
Was it his dedication to his career? So why are you complaining about him working all the time.
Was it his affection towards children? So why are you still on birth control?
No criticism, just inquiring.
Think not that the grass is greener elsewhere; because the start is common and the finish will agree unless you learn the lesson.
Staying in a relationship only up to the point that it is fun is immature.
Jumping in and out of relationships like you log in and out of your computer could open you up to viruses.
How naive to think that love will always look and feel the same as the day you took your vows. Change is inevitable.
Know that that loving feeling will fade at times.
Drawback on your top five requirements – love God, love you, love kids, love family, love to work, or whatever yours might be, I’m just sharing my own - and stick to it.
If you are in sync on the above; count your blessings.
Take the time to restore that animal attraction.
Perhaps you stopped doing a few things too. Just probing again.
Hair, Heels, you know what works…

Edit your love story.
Chemistry is what you make it. It is a two way street.
So keep it fresh and enjoy the ride.
Expect the challenges, but try to stay in it for the long haul.

Here is the best marriage advice I never received.
Warmest wishes.

#6. Women Want Men to Listen to their Hearts

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post, especially involving communication between spouses, allow me to share a quote from an anonymous poet:

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you
what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be
with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them
everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is
feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when
they walk into a room and smile at you."

I don’t dare pretend to know what love is for everyone either, but this sounds like a good barometer to me. There is a peace in knowing that you can tell someone all the good and the bad there is to know about you and that they will still chose to love you. Humans long to bear themselves and feel free, uninhibited by other’s perceptions of them. When we get to this point, we are actually as God designed us. To have that freedom with a spouse is like a gift from God; reminiscent of pre-fruit Adam and Eve. Naked and not ashamed! That is how a right relationship should function.

Men, please tell me how will you ever know all about her if you do not allow her to tell you? How can you truly love her, if you don’t seek to know more and more about her? When you think you know everything is when you know nothing. Adam probably thought he knew all there was to know about Eve. She did come from his rib. Without openness though, you could easily end up sleeping with the enemy, or worst, eating some bad fruit and getting kicked out of the best digs on earth! Ughh!

If a man is only listening to solve problems then he is missing out on the fact that her sharing means she already respects him as a part of the solution. Women want to, need to, tell their men who they are and why they exist, as an expression of love without barriers. They don't need this every day, or every month, but on occasion. If you read my post (below) you will understand that women cannot share this variety of information with just anybody; or at least they shouldn't. Consequently, they have all these pent up emotions and dreams that are bottled up, just waiting to be released. Much like men but in a different fashion. By denying her the opportunity to share those matters closest to her heart (not frivolity) will leave a void open for a snake (the deceiver).

So men, even though it is not your favorite thing to do, even if you are tired, and you have been fighting dragons all day with a pocket knife; allow quality time to hear from her heart and get to know your woman better. Your attention to her needs will bear results ripe for the picking! Right, ladies?

#3. Women Need to Think More and Flirt Less.

This topic came to my attention when asked if I thought men and women could be friends. My answer was an immediate, “yes, in fact, absolutely." I desperately wanted to defend the right of every single woman to have as many male friends as possible. I always did and they came in handy. So my strongest argument hung on the fact that there are women who need these relationships with men, especially if they do not have male relatives with muscle power for things like:

• Moving
• Fixing the car
• Carrying large or heavy items
• Providing assistance when safety is a concern, i.e. stranded on a highway, locked out of your car in the evening, etc.
  

I further reasoned that it would be nice if every woman was strong enough to carry every load, had enough flow to pay for the manpower she needs and was able to keep herself out of precarious situations; but the truth is that on occasion you need a hand, and a nice date to the movie - so what's a girl to do?

My gentlemanly counterpart, being very familiar with his gender and their attraction to women, casually advised me of some other options, even for women with a low male family count:

• Her place of worship
• Friends and their spouses
• Hiring a Professional! The cost here could easily be less if you factor in emotions.

I knew he was right in theory, but I wanted to believe in the purity of my current and past relationships with men. Moreover, I did not want to believe that any guy that I considered “just a friend” was anything more. But wait. What I had forgotten was how the male-female relationship usually develops:

1. Eye contact,
2. A little flirting,
3. Numbers or contact information exchanged,
4. Frequent conversations, many early morning or late evening,

Then presto! You wake up one day connected at the hip. The only reason a guy would not make it to the boyfriend/dating level would be a realization somewhere along this short path that the relationship was not a good fit. Trust your first instincts (I'll cover this in another post). In that case, he would become the guy you call when you need some work done around your house or a casual date to the movie.

The only problem with this oh-so-typical scenario is that “he” probably still has an interest (sexual at best) in “her”. While she is being naive and thinking we are just buddies, he has figured out that if he fixes this and solves that long enough, then he will get exactly what he always wanted. Men tend to grow on women, and vice versa, so without clear boundaries that so-called platonic friendship is ruined. At this point, you can forget the odd jobs and the free lunches.

Do not get me wrong. I am not suggesting that men are out there preying on women’s vulnerabilities, but I will say that a normal, red-blooded man is not hanging around a woman for nothing. Just as we women know how to turn on the charm and manipulate men to get what we want. Men can be just as cunning in terms of getting their needs met.

So again, women need to think more and flirt less. Be smart and proactive. Get AAA, or some type of emergency roadside assistance. Reestablish those relationships with male family members. Be a woman with integrity. Ask yourself, “Am I leading him on?” or “Why is he so available to me?” If he is not going to be the man in your life right now; then let him know and let him go. Men are not so friendly when they feel that they have been used.

Remember, there is no need to collect men for rainy days. You will only end up being miserable and wet.

#1. Women Need a Man that loves God but does not confuse himself with God.

In general, men are the strength that God did not bless women with naturally. When they are in their element they appear all powerful and in control, as if they could conquer the world and fight every battle with success. Yet, man is fallible and can sometimes do more harm than good. God is only good and will never fail. Don't get it twisted. There are problems in life that a man cannot fix and unfortunately, most of them occur in human relationships with women!

For instance, when a woman is going through the storms of life, inwardly she may know that God is controlling the forces of nature and she will have to submit to whatever happens but she still may worry. At this point in life her basic need is shelter and a safety. Now her man may believe that she needs to become superwoman and fly through the storm doing all the things that she usually does while wearing an "S" on her chest. He does not seem to notice, or he does not care to notice, that she is not only tattered on the outside but she is bruised on the inside. Her countenance is not as bright as before because of the worries that she is trying to overcome. She struggles to put on a happy face and be strong. So his unsympathetic acknowledgement of the obvious is not what this situation requires; any mirror might tell her those things. What she possibly needs is a hug, a good cry, someone to listen, prayer and an "I love you"; not a critique of what is wrong with her.

Men, if you cannot change her circumstances, then just offer your love and support. Resist the urge to judge. Allow God to do the chastising and rebuking; allow Him to fill her open spaces in those lowly places within in her soul, so that He might perfect her in time. Your brand of help or tough love may work with the boys but you could easily damage the work that has begun in her. So do not try to manage her life or change her, even if you have the best of intentions. Simply, be there (safety and security) for her, be that strong arm to lean on, and trust God to use you wherever needed. Here is a good one, ask her to tell you what she needs.

Know that whatever first attracted the two of you to one another is still there, but this season (short or long) she is journeying through is necessary and it is not for you to fix. You are not God and should not have that burden. This too will pass, and if you are fortunate to survive it together, your relationship will be all the better for it.