In the midst of an in-depth tête-à-tête about cultures and class systems; I was rudely interrupted with yet another example of women hating on other women. I know that is the reoccurring theme on the Tyra show but not on the weekend, not in the middle of breakfast. I am so frustrated with the subject. I could accept the sisterly banter if it were warranted; however it usually stems from insecurity and jealousy, like today’s topic of “light skinned vs. dark skinned”. But it actually gets worse:
- Working women vs. women who stay at home with their children
- Women with children vs. Women without children
- Single women vs. married women
- Women with dates vs. Women who cannot find a date
- Brunettes vs. Blondes
- Fat vs. Skinny
- Straight hair vs. Curly hair (or is that good hair vs. bad hair)
- Party girls vs. The girls next door
- Women with weave vs. Women with naturally long hair
- My daughter vs. Your daughter
- Rich girls vs. Valley girls
- Bi-racial vs. Non bi-racial
- Sorority sisters vs. Sorority sisters vs. Non-Greeks
- The wife vs. The “Other woman” (well, this one might make sense)
For ever reason under the sun, mostly derived from some form of self-hate; women will dislike and berate other women.
When did it begin? Was it an Electra Complex when Eve’s daughter competed with her for Adam’s attention? Or was it Eve who was jealous because her daughter was a younger version of her? Who knows? And my point is, who cares? Neither answer would be justifiable because here is the perfect example of female rivalry beginning at home with the one person a young girl ought to always feel secure – her mother.
Rodney King asked the cops who beat him to a pulp, and now I am asking women who undercut other women, “Why can’t we all just get along?” For example, why do women look at other women harder than they will the finest man in the building? Then they will break her down from top to bottom. You would never find a straight man analyzing another man like that. Is there a good reason for girls or adult women to partake in such "catty" behavior? Do we blame it all on men, and society, for forcing women to compete. All minority groups tend to suffer from the notion that there are limited resources needed to become successful (marriage, children, riches, power, a career or any combination thereof), thus, members of that minority group begin to act like “crabs in a bucket” - tearing one another down in order to rise, to shine, to be declared the “best in show”. Fear is such a powerful motivator. It makes even the most submissive creatures vicious. The divide and conquer tactic reminds me of a story about a sleazy guy, Tom, who figured he would date two women he worked with, Beth and Melinda, at the same time, unbeknownst to them. The women were complete opposite types; yet somehow Tom convinced each woman that she was his ideal preference. After a period of time, both Beth and Melinda became worried (female intuition) that Tom was dating someone else at work but neither could ever quite figure it. Why? Because Tom kept them separate and foolishly underestimating the other woman.
But then there are times when the fault lies solely on women's shoulders. How about the infamous YouTube fights where girls are beating up other girls? When did brawling become ladylike? Further instances exist when women fight without throwing punches, but the wound is just as deep. I know a successful female real estate broker who once admitted how it still hurt her that her female friends (she used the word not me) would rather list with a male broker. This is a very successful woman who should care less but actually it bothered her that some of the women close to her did not want to help her succeed even if it meant they would make money. Now you would never see a man do something stupid like this. He is not going to lose a dime just to stick it to another man.
How can women stop this destructive behavior, and begin to love themselves and respect their gender mates? Women (not just girls) might benefit from a self esteem class or two, to teach them their unique value, so they can then mentor the younger generation. Women need to learn how to support people who look like them without comparison; fostering female bonding devoid of fear of pain or competition. Women need to assess not only physical looks, but promote education and any special skills of the younger girls in their communities. Constantly telling girls how “pretty” they are without impressing upon them how they are equally “smart” and “talented” is a disservice to our young ladies. Beauty fades, so God could have never intended for looks to be the totality of a woman’s worth, and we should not either. Girls and little women especially need to LEARN this early on.
What power, GIRL power could be unleashed in the world with these simple truths? What goodwill women could offer if they worked as a unit instead enemies? I envision:
- the abolishment of the misogynistic ills of this society
- female networking and support groups for career, financial advice, female issues, children with disabilities, aging parents, etc.
- older women imparting wisdom about motherhood and marriage to the younguns.
None of that phony baloney, superficial female socializing that borders on gossip groups; or those multilevel marketing businesses that are primarily income driven (there is nothing wrong with that but that is not the purpose of this post). What I am suggesting is a camaraderie that requires a genuine interest in being a blessing to another woman without the expectation of gain. Now that is a paradigm shift.
I know I am constantly preaching that WOMEN are the nurturers of this society, and I just cannot help but imagine how awesome it would be if they learned how to feed one another. A new breed of women. NO more catfights. NO one for homosexuals to mimic. Oh, what peace on earth!
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