#8. Women need to know “chemistry” is overrated.

In the words of Michael Baisden, “yeah, I said it.”
Allow me to explain.

When you first met, the chemistry was great; it was like he read your mind.
You were inseparable.
Where you saw one, you were certain to see the other.
You finished each other’s sentences.
Everything you thought you needed in a man was fulfilled.
Or so you pretended.
You were so sold on bliss that you chose not to buy the whole truth.
Don’t rain on my parade. Haters!
Soon there were wedding rings and wedding bells.
But once the honeymoon was over, the real world and the real work began.
Now you’re wondering “why you got married” or if you even married the right man.
Been there done that.
Now you’re singing “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”.
You feel invisible.
He never listens.
Seems to be oblivious to what is going on in your world.
The only time you get any attention is, well, you know when, and those sparks have fizzled out.
Well, suck it up.
That man you married is not perfect, by far, and the mere fact that he married you is proof enough.
To his credit, he really is not so bad though (unless he is a Beater or a Cheater).
The only bad thing for women is that “butterflies” do not last. They are only the introduction to the story.

You have to write the rest.
Remember what brought you to love in the first place.
Was it his dedication to his career? So why are you complaining about him working all the time.
Was it his affection towards children? So why are you still on birth control?
No criticism, just inquiring.
Think not that the grass is greener elsewhere; because the start is common and the finish will agree unless you learn the lesson.
Staying in a relationship only up to the point that it is fun is immature.
Jumping in and out of relationships like you log in and out of your computer could open you up to viruses.
How naive to think that love will always look and feel the same as the day you took your vows. Change is inevitable.
Know that that loving feeling will fade at times.
Drawback on your top five requirements – love God, love you, love kids, love family, love to work, or whatever yours might be, I’m just sharing my own - and stick to it.
If you are in sync on the above; count your blessings.
Take the time to restore that animal attraction.
Perhaps you stopped doing a few things too. Just probing again.
Hair, Heels, you know what works…

Edit your love story.
Chemistry is what you make it. It is a two way street.
So keep it fresh and enjoy the ride.
Expect the challenges, but try to stay in it for the long haul.

Here is the best marriage advice I never received.
Warmest wishes.

#7. Women need to drop that zero and redefine their definition of a “hero”. (Give a nice guy a chance.)

I hear the brothers complaining that nice guys are still finishing last. Are women really only interested in men with deep pockets and fancy cars? Big-ballers? Shot-callers? Is a man only qualified if he can give you “whatever you like, (you like), yeah”? I hope not, because this shortage of men will only become more severe when he has to compete with T.I.’s promise of buying a woman anything her heart desires. Although this sounds good on the surface and can be flattering to hear; it is rarely realistic. Simply stated “you cannot buy happiness”, and more importantly, a rich man is not necessarily a good man. Ask the countless number of ex-wives to the stars.

Perhaps you are not in it for love, and if that it the case, this post is not for you. But for those single sisters who are praying for the right man, and complaining that all the good ones are taken, in jail or gay; I would like to introduce you to a few you may have overlooked:

1. The Graduate. This one is noticeably younger than you are, and you are not trying to become Mrs. Robinson. “Don’t even approach me; I’m not interested in teaching you anything that your mother did not already”, you say to yourself. Granted men mature at a slower pace than women, so why push it. I am not here to say that this science is not yet proven, but at least let him get a sentence out before you send him back to his dorm. Just joking. Some men actually have “old souls” and are very mature for their ages. I would not advise a woman to pursue a relationship with a young man who is the same age as her children, but among consenting adults – “age is just a number”.
2. Mr. Undereducated. You see this handsome man walking your way. He approaches you correctly, and you engage in a powerful conversation that inevitably leads to “so where did you attend (college)?” Then you learn that he either did not attend college, matriculated for a while but left without any paper, or he graduated but with a lesser degree. Instantly, you find him below your enlightened pedigree. Absurd. This man may be the next Steven Spielberg, Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Ted Turner, or Steve Jobs. Need I say more? If perhaps, you are not “smart” enough to notice the theme – none of these extraordinary entrepreneurs graduated from college; but I bet you would not snub them. So don’t be so quick to judge; you could be meeting Mr. Right at just the right time.
3. The Baby Daddy. Ladies, it is not so much about the children is it? Kids can be so cute and loving; and what good woman does not admire a man that takes care of his responsibility? The truth is that you think the baby’s mama will cause you undue drama. Well, it does not have to be that way and it is not your battle to fight. Your relationship is not with the mother of his children, but with him. If he is conscientious and thoughtful, he has already given some thought about how this new relationship with you will affect his relationship with his child. At the appointed time, you both will discuss the dynamics of this triad and settle on whatever works best. But whatever you do; do not let invalidated insecurities or fears be the determining factor.
4. Mr. EOC. He is an entirely different hue from you; yes, I am talking about his complexion. You could be fiercely chocolate and he might be freckled pink, but it should not matter. Sure you will be a walking Benetton advertisement, and that is okay. Love has no color. Men have been dating women from all walks of life, every tribe and every color for generations. Women, specifically African-American women, need to get into the game. There are too many beautiful sistahs out there bypassing love because of the color of the package. If all the men in your race are finding mates in other ethnic groups, then you may end up being an old maid while trying to hold it down for the cause. Diversify your options for success by becoming a part of the Equal Opportunity Commission.
   

I am exhausted trying to point out the obvious, so I’ll close by suggesting that you get to know a man first before you shoot him down. Whatever you do, please do not dismiss a polite, hard-working, responsible man just because he happens to fit one of the aforementioned titles. This is how good guys go bad. I can think of a whole host of reasons (i.e. crazy, violent, drug abuser, cheater) to tell a man to step off; but these are purely superficial.

It is time to get rid of all the silly excuses, so women can prepare their hearts to receive, and nice guys can get their girls!

If you have a success story about how you found love with someone who was not quite your type, please share: whatwomenwantandneed@gmail.com or post a comment.

#6. Women Want Men to Listen to their Hearts

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post, especially involving communication between spouses, allow me to share a quote from an anonymous poet:

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you
what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be
with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them
everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is
feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when
they walk into a room and smile at you."

I don’t dare pretend to know what love is for everyone either, but this sounds like a good barometer to me. There is a peace in knowing that you can tell someone all the good and the bad there is to know about you and that they will still chose to love you. Humans long to bear themselves and feel free, uninhibited by other’s perceptions of them. When we get to this point, we are actually as God designed us. To have that freedom with a spouse is like a gift from God; reminiscent of pre-fruit Adam and Eve. Naked and not ashamed! That is how a right relationship should function.

Men, please tell me how will you ever know all about her if you do not allow her to tell you? How can you truly love her, if you don’t seek to know more and more about her? When you think you know everything is when you know nothing. Adam probably thought he knew all there was to know about Eve. She did come from his rib. Without openness though, you could easily end up sleeping with the enemy, or worst, eating some bad fruit and getting kicked out of the best digs on earth! Ughh!

If a man is only listening to solve problems then he is missing out on the fact that her sharing means she already respects him as a part of the solution. Women want to, need to, tell their men who they are and why they exist, as an expression of love without barriers. They don't need this every day, or every month, but on occasion. If you read my post (below) you will understand that women cannot share this variety of information with just anybody; or at least they shouldn't. Consequently, they have all these pent up emotions and dreams that are bottled up, just waiting to be released. Much like men but in a different fashion. By denying her the opportunity to share those matters closest to her heart (not frivolity) will leave a void open for a snake (the deceiver).

So men, even though it is not your favorite thing to do, even if you are tired, and you have been fighting dragons all day with a pocket knife; allow quality time to hear from her heart and get to know your woman better. Your attention to her needs will bear results ripe for the picking! Right, ladies?

#5. Women Want to Share

but they have to be extra careful

“who”

they share

“what”

with. People in your circle hold varying roles and should only be privy to certain topics. Although a woman can instinctively talk about most anything, anytime or anywhere; this is not always appropriate. So let us quickly identify the roles and the quality of information women can afford to place in each inbox:

PARENTS -
They are good for sharing the emotional facts of life, excluding too many details about premarital relationships. Once you are married however, keep the minor negative issues about your spouse to a minimum. Your parents will never love your life partner as much as you and will not be as quick to forgive their faults. So be discerning with sensitive matters. Parents are generally very loving and supportive, but honest to a fault because they will always see you as their child.

SPOUSES -
Studies have tried to capture the daily word count of a woman, and although it varies, a woman still averages two to three times more words than a man. For example, for the 7,000 words a man may use in a day, a woman will use 21,000. Mathematically, the man is not usually able to keep up with a woman in a conversation so you have to be specific about your topic but without making it a question-and-answer session. The trick here is to first, have the man’s attention before you start the conversation. Do not try to talk to him while he is working or tired or his focus is on something else. Men are not always the best to talk to about emotional issues either because they are innately driven to try to solve problems, rather than listening; which can make matters worse. Men can easily confuse your need to share as an attack on them – strange, but true. When they are unable to solve the problem or cannot follow the conversation they become irritable. Remember, men need to feel that there is something for them to fix; when you just need to vent, be sure to tell them up front to avoid unnecessary arguments.

BEST FRIENDS –
These are the best people to have those deep emotional conversations. All those extra words left at the end of the day are best spent here. In general, you have known these people from your youth and have shared many of life’s ups and downs. They love you and are excited about your personal growth; plus as women, they want to talk just like you do. The only word of caution here is to never mention anything that would embarrass your parents or your spouse. Some times it is hard not to tell it all; but just as you would never divulge the most intimate details of your best friend’s dramas with your husband or parents; then preserve their confidence as well.

ASSOCIATES –
You connect with this set through a common activity like work or a social organization; or through a mutual friend or spouse. They may never move to the best friend status, but there is no reason not to enjoy their company and conversation; just keep it light. Their loyalties are not as strong as the other groups and they should not be EXPECTED to be responsible with those intimate details of your life; and definitely not your dreams! Only tell them what you would not mind hearing in the streets.

If none of the aforementioned holds true for you, there is no shame in seeking professional counsel. These people are bound by ethics to keep everything you say confidential because you pay them to listen– so have your say and share away.

#4. Women Need to Smile.

With the current economic issues; expressions of genuine delight are few and far between. More and more women have become victims of wearing their emotions and worries on their face. Instead of laugh lines, we have life lines. Just think of the last time somebody told you, “my, you have a pretty smile.” If it has been a THAT LONG , please do not rush to the nearest cosmetic counter; that will only disguise the conflict within. What I am suggesting is much cheaper, and ten (10) times better than all the latest beauty regimens, Botox® or even a Jessica Simpson do-it-yourself weave job. It is called a SMILE!

Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but in this world, we will always have wars, economic crises, storms of life and the like, but take pleasure in knowing that we will also have sunrises and sunsets, people we love and who love us in return, and a plethora of personal blessings – more than we can count on both hands and feet. And there is nothing disingenuous about smiling even in hard times. As nurturers to the entire human race, a woman’s smile can be just as important as her touch. It really does warm the heart when it is offered sincerely.

Women are most attractive when they smile. So I challenge women to change their facial expressions. Start by making a simple commitment to think of your favorite things at least three times a day for a minimum of 30 seconds – and then smile. In fact, you will not even have to try; the smile will probably burst through because you have not given yourself permission to have these thoughts in a long time. By the time you have practiced this little ritual for 30 days consistently, you will have established a habit that will hopefully change your life and your looks! Hey ladies, better looks in 30 days with no costs – now, that is something to SMILE about.

Some notable quotes about “smiles”:


Smile - it increases your face value. ~Author Unknown

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile. ~Author Unknown

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. ~Charles Gordy

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. ~Author Unknown

Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile. ~Author Unknown

The shortest distance between two people is a smile. ~Author Unknown

Beauty is power; a smile is its sword. ~Charles Reade

You're never fully dressed without a smile. ~Martin Charnin

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. ~Mother Teresa

#3. Women Need to Think More and Flirt Less.

This topic came to my attention when asked if I thought men and women could be friends. My answer was an immediate, “yes, in fact, absolutely." I desperately wanted to defend the right of every single woman to have as many male friends as possible. I always did and they came in handy. So my strongest argument hung on the fact that there are women who need these relationships with men, especially if they do not have male relatives with muscle power for things like:

• Moving
• Fixing the car
• Carrying large or heavy items
• Providing assistance when safety is a concern, i.e. stranded on a highway, locked out of your car in the evening, etc.
  

I further reasoned that it would be nice if every woman was strong enough to carry every load, had enough flow to pay for the manpower she needs and was able to keep herself out of precarious situations; but the truth is that on occasion you need a hand, and a nice date to the movie - so what's a girl to do?

My gentlemanly counterpart, being very familiar with his gender and their attraction to women, casually advised me of some other options, even for women with a low male family count:

• Her place of worship
• Friends and their spouses
• Hiring a Professional! The cost here could easily be less if you factor in emotions.

I knew he was right in theory, but I wanted to believe in the purity of my current and past relationships with men. Moreover, I did not want to believe that any guy that I considered “just a friend” was anything more. But wait. What I had forgotten was how the male-female relationship usually develops:

1. Eye contact,
2. A little flirting,
3. Numbers or contact information exchanged,
4. Frequent conversations, many early morning or late evening,

Then presto! You wake up one day connected at the hip. The only reason a guy would not make it to the boyfriend/dating level would be a realization somewhere along this short path that the relationship was not a good fit. Trust your first instincts (I'll cover this in another post). In that case, he would become the guy you call when you need some work done around your house or a casual date to the movie.

The only problem with this oh-so-typical scenario is that “he” probably still has an interest (sexual at best) in “her”. While she is being naive and thinking we are just buddies, he has figured out that if he fixes this and solves that long enough, then he will get exactly what he always wanted. Men tend to grow on women, and vice versa, so without clear boundaries that so-called platonic friendship is ruined. At this point, you can forget the odd jobs and the free lunches.

Do not get me wrong. I am not suggesting that men are out there preying on women’s vulnerabilities, but I will say that a normal, red-blooded man is not hanging around a woman for nothing. Just as we women know how to turn on the charm and manipulate men to get what we want. Men can be just as cunning in terms of getting their needs met.

So again, women need to think more and flirt less. Be smart and proactive. Get AAA, or some type of emergency roadside assistance. Reestablish those relationships with male family members. Be a woman with integrity. Ask yourself, “Am I leading him on?” or “Why is he so available to me?” If he is not going to be the man in your life right now; then let him know and let him go. Men are not so friendly when they feel that they have been used.

Remember, there is no need to collect men for rainy days. You will only end up being miserable and wet.

#2. We Want to Act Like a Boy - at least for a day

At least once in her life, a woman has thought about how different her world would be if she were a boy. I like Beyonce's song. I can only add that boys get to blame everything on work or their nature, they are never judged as harshly as girls, all the double-standards tend to be in their favor, they do not have certain physical demands on their body on a monthly basis, they cannot carry or give birth to children, and they can still get love even if they are old, fat and ugly.

Hopefully boys will all develop into men, because while we women may want to act like one every once in a blue moon and shrug off responsibility and throw caution to the wind; the truth of the matter is that a real Woman desires a grown Man!

#1. Women Need a Man that loves God but does not confuse himself with God.

In general, men are the strength that God did not bless women with naturally. When they are in their element they appear all powerful and in control, as if they could conquer the world and fight every battle with success. Yet, man is fallible and can sometimes do more harm than good. God is only good and will never fail. Don't get it twisted. There are problems in life that a man cannot fix and unfortunately, most of them occur in human relationships with women!

For instance, when a woman is going through the storms of life, inwardly she may know that God is controlling the forces of nature and she will have to submit to whatever happens but she still may worry. At this point in life her basic need is shelter and a safety. Now her man may believe that she needs to become superwoman and fly through the storm doing all the things that she usually does while wearing an "S" on her chest. He does not seem to notice, or he does not care to notice, that she is not only tattered on the outside but she is bruised on the inside. Her countenance is not as bright as before because of the worries that she is trying to overcome. She struggles to put on a happy face and be strong. So his unsympathetic acknowledgement of the obvious is not what this situation requires; any mirror might tell her those things. What she possibly needs is a hug, a good cry, someone to listen, prayer and an "I love you"; not a critique of what is wrong with her.

Men, if you cannot change her circumstances, then just offer your love and support. Resist the urge to judge. Allow God to do the chastising and rebuking; allow Him to fill her open spaces in those lowly places within in her soul, so that He might perfect her in time. Your brand of help or tough love may work with the boys but you could easily damage the work that has begun in her. So do not try to manage her life or change her, even if you have the best of intentions. Simply, be there (safety and security) for her, be that strong arm to lean on, and trust God to use you wherever needed. Here is a good one, ask her to tell you what she needs.

Know that whatever first attracted the two of you to one another is still there, but this season (short or long) she is journeying through is necessary and it is not for you to fix. You are not God and should not have that burden. This too will pass, and if you are fortunate to survive it together, your relationship will be all the better for it.

It's a New Day!

Okay, so I'm not talking about our President- elect, although, that is the case, but rather, it is a "new day" for underestimated. My focus has changed to reflect the issues that I am most passionate about as a woman and want to share with the global world, hence "what women want and need".

It is not just about relationships though; it is about a woman's perspective on life in general. I hope this blog will bless at least one person. If so, it will be worth it.

Enjoy.

God Bless America!!!

Obama suggested that, "Yes We Can!"
The votes proved that, "Yes We Did!"
The future holds that, "Yes We Will!"
God Bless America!!!

Today, America has won. There should be no sore losers.

I pray that this country will move together to change what is wrong and to do what is right.

This is not a time to stop praying, but to increase our prayers.

"This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants,
who give their full time to governing."
Romans 13:6 (NIV)

Does God care who you vote for?

There is this quote by John Quincy Adams: "Duty is ours, results are God's". A very sensible reference for the current day. And with all the emotions and prayers being lifted up for one candidate versus another, it led me to ponder whether God tells people who to vote for? I heard someone say that if I pray about who to vote for and you pray about it also, but we come up with two different answers, then one of us is wrong. Is it impossible for God to tell one person to vote for one candidate and another to do the opposite? In this case, who actually heard from God? Can God split His vote? Does He even care who you vote for?

I am sure that by this evening, there will be those who say that they heard from God if their candidate wins, but if he does not, they will blame it on those other people who were not obedient. Like the aforementioned quote suggests, I tend to believe that if you pray, which gives you peace knowing you went to God first, and then you seek information to understand each candidate's platform before casting your vote; then you have done your part. Read no more into the process, and let God do the rest. Regardless of the results, Americans will have a new President-elect, and he will be due the honor and respect befitting the title.