#12. Women Bloggers want your Feedback

When I started this blog, I just knew that I would get a lot of feedback from women challenging me on my generalizations about the hardest working species on earth - in fact I reveled in that knowledge. However, I was wrong. Perhaps my content is too ordinary or the blog is too new. Whatever the reason, 2009 will have a fresh approach to the wants and needs of women; provoking men and women to respond - intentionally. So in preparation for your onslaught of written comments and opinions (optimistically speaking); I am posting some Blogging Etiquette for Blog Readers, borrowed respectfully from "The Story Siren", please read and take note - literally:

• Try to post a comment that is relative to the blog post. If it doesn’t pertain to the post, maybe it would be better to email the blog owner (unless of course you can’t find an email address) or leave a comment in a c-box, if there is one. (I use to have a c-box, but deleted it after a slew of spam).
• If you have your own blog don’t blatantly promote yourself on someone else’s. I haven’t had that happen to me yet, but I’ve seen it on other blogs. You’re only shedding a negative light on yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I love to support other book blogs and other bookish people just remember to be courteous and mindful to others.
• If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. If you don’t like it then move on. And be careful what you say, you can’t convey tone when you are leaving a comment, something that you meant in a joking nature may not be taken that way. Don’t be rude and childish either. I’ve had my share of rude anonymous comments. Take my advice and just delete them, they aren’t worth your time and effort to convey a response. http://www.thestorysiren.com/2008/12/book-blog-etiquette.html

Some blogging etiquette insists that you should not respond as an "Anonymous" source, but I view this differently. My belief is that you may have a comment which is very pertinent to a topic AND you need to remain anonymous. While it is ideal to know who is reading this blog, it is more important to me that your opinions are noted. So Anonymous, if you have to hide your identity occasionally, you are still welcome to blog here, because it is the thought that counts.

Sincerely,

#11. Women want a home for Christmas and everyday

Simply stated
Women want HOME for the holidays.

Home is a state of mind and a physical location.

A home
Is where love is
Is where peace exists
Is stability
Is warmth
Is a soft place to land
Is a roof over your head
Is shelter from the rain.

Home is family.
Women want family.
When you reach a certain age
You really and truly want your own family.
You need to build memories
Create legacies.
Home is life and life-giving.

Home is a space that we fill
With laughter
With pictures
With people we love, gathering in the kitchen, telling lies and eating pies.

Home prepares a place for rest
To review the best and worst of the year
Where we stop and wonder how we got over
Where we give thanks for each new day
Where we pray for a better tomorrow.


As prayers go, I offer one for each person who is homeless physically and/or emotionally. I can certainly relate, knowing firsthand that any day without the creature comforts of home and the peace of God is a miserable existence. I pray that our voids will be filled with blessings and that we will in turn be a blessing to others; always testifying of His goodness.

#10. What women want and need for Christmas? (You tell me)

Now, I am aware that Oprah is going to reveal “Oprah’s Favorite Things” very soon and perhaps you were going to glean a few ideas from the show, but we cannot wait for all of that; the sales are going on right now and the last day (to arrive by Christmas) to ship FED EX ground is today!!! So tell us, is it “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, Brown paper packages tied up with strings,” are these a few of your favorite things?

If not, what “things” would brighten a girl’s day this December 25th? What would make your life a wee bit easier (is it a convertible car so you can switch in and out of lanes quicker)? What would put a great big smile on your face (how about a diamond ring or a High Definition television)? What would warm your heart (giving food and clothing to a needy family)? It could be a new collectible Gucci bag and a pair of Louboutin heels; it matters not to me because I am not going to buy it for you anyway - but someone just might!


I really appreciate your participation. May your Christmas dreams come true!!!

#9. Women need to learn how to support one another? (PEACE portions for the rest of ’08)

In the midst of an in-depth tête-à-tête about cultures and class systems; I was rudely interrupted with yet another example of women hating on other women. I know that is the reoccurring theme on the Tyra show but not on the weekend, not in the middle of breakfast. I am so frustrated with the subject. I could accept the sisterly banter if it were warranted; however it usually stems from insecurity and jealousy, like today’s topic of “light skinned vs. dark skinned”. But it actually gets worse:

• Working women vs. women who stay at home with their children
• Women with children vs. Women without children
• Single women vs. married women
• Women with dates vs. Women who cannot find a date
• Brunettes vs. Blondes
• Fat vs. Skinny
• Straight hair vs. Curly hair (or is that good hair vs. bad hair)
• Party girls vs. The girls next door
• Women with weave vs. Women with naturally long hair
• My daughter vs. Your daughter
• Rich girls vs. Valley girls
• Bi-racial vs. Non bi-racial
• Sorority sisters vs. Sorority sisters vs. Non-Greeks
• The wife vs. The “Other woman” (well, this one might make sense)
  

For ever reason under the sun, mostly derived from some form of self-hate; women will dislike and berate other women.

When did it begin? Was it an Electra Complex when Eve’s daughter competed with her for Adam’s attention? Or was it Eve who was jealous because her daughter was a younger version of her? Who knows? And my point is, who cares? Neither answer would be justifiable because here is the perfect example of female rivalry beginning at home with the one person a young girl ought to always feel secure – her mother.

Rodney King asked the cops who beat him to a pulp, and now I am asking women who undercut other women, “Why can’t we all just get along?” For example, why do women look at other women harder than they will the finest man in the building? Then they will break her down from top to bottom. You would never find a straight man analyzing another man like that. Is there a good reason for girls or adult women to partake in such "catty" behavior? Do we blame it all on men, and society, for forcing women to compete. All minority groups tend to suffer from the notion that there are limited resources needed to become successful (marriage, children, riches, power, a career or any combination thereof), thus, members of that minority group begin to act like “crabs in a bucket” - tearing one another down in order to rise, to shine, to be declared the “best in show”. Fear is such a powerful motivator. It makes even the most submissive creatures vicious. The divide and conquer tactic reminds me of a story about a sleazy guy, Tom, who figured he would date two women he worked with, Beth and Melinda, at the same time, unbeknownst to them. The women were complete opposite types; yet somehow Tom convinced each woman that she was his ideal preference. After a period of time, both Beth and Melinda became worried (female intuition) that Tom was dating someone else at work but neither could ever quite figure it. Why? Because Tom kept them separate and foolishly underestimating the other woman.

But then there are times when the fault lies solely on women's shoulders. How about the infamous YouTube fights where girls are beating up other girls? When did brawling become ladylike? Further instances exist when women fight without throwing punches, but the wound is just as deep. I know a successful female real estate broker who once admitted how it still hurt her that her female friends (she used the word not me) would rather list with a male broker. This is a very successful woman who should care less but actually it bothered her that some of the women close to her did not want to help her succeed even if it meant they would make money. Now you would never see a man do something stupid like this. He is not going to lose a dime just to stick it to another man.

How can women stop this destructive behavior, and begin to love themselves and respect their gender mates? Women (not just girls) might benefit from a self esteem class or two, to teach them their unique value, so they can then mentor the younger generation. Women need to learn how to support people who look like them without comparison; fostering female bonding devoid of fear of pain or competition. Women need to assess not only physical looks, but promote education and any special skills of the younger girls in their communities. Constantly telling girls how “pretty” they are without impressing upon them how they are equally “smart” and “talented” is a disservice to our young ladies. Beauty fades, so God could have never intended for looks to be the totality of a woman’s worth, and we should not either. Girls and little women especially need to LEARN this early on.

What power, GIRL power could be unleashed in the world with these simple truths? What goodwill women could offer if they worked as a unit instead enemies? I envision:

• the abolishment of the misogynistic ills of this society
• female networking and support groups for career, financial advice, female issues, children with disabilities, aging parents, etc.
• older women imparting wisdom about motherhood and marriage to the younguns.
  

None of that phony baloney, superficial female socializing that borders on gossip groups; or those multilevel marketing businesses that are primarily income driven (there is nothing wrong with that but that is not the purpose of this post). What I am suggesting is a camaraderie that requires a genuine interest in being a blessing to another woman without the expectation of gain. Now that is a paradigm shift.

I know I am constantly preaching that WOMEN are the nurturers of this society, and I just cannot help but imagine how awesome it would be if they learned how to feed one another. A new breed of women. NO more catfights. NO one for homosexuals to mimic. Oh, what peace on earth!

#8. Women need to know “chemistry” is overrated.

In the words of Michael Baisden, “yeah, I said it.”
Allow me to explain.

When you first met, the chemistry was great; it was like he read your mind.
You were inseparable.
Where you saw one, you were certain to see the other.
You finished each other’s sentences.
Everything you thought you needed in a man was fulfilled.
Or so you pretended.
You were so sold on bliss that you chose not to buy the whole truth.
Don’t rain on my parade. Haters!
Soon there were wedding rings and wedding bells.
But once the honeymoon was over, the real world and the real work began.
Now you’re wondering “why you got married” or if you even married the right man.
Been there done that.
Now you’re singing “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”.
You feel invisible.
He never listens.
Seems to be oblivious to what is going on in your world.
The only time you get any attention is, well, you know when, and those sparks have fizzled out.
Well, suck it up.
That man you married is not perfect, by far, and the mere fact that he married you is proof enough.
To his credit, he really is not so bad though (unless he is a Beater or a Cheater).
The only bad thing for women is that “butterflies” do not last. They are only the introduction to the story.

You have to write the rest.
Remember what brought you to love in the first place.
Was it his dedication to his career? So why are you complaining about him working all the time.
Was it his affection towards children? So why are you still on birth control?
No criticism, just inquiring.
Think not that the grass is greener elsewhere; because the start is common and the finish will agree unless you learn the lesson.
Staying in a relationship only up to the point that it is fun is immature.
Jumping in and out of relationships like you log in and out of your computer could open you up to viruses.
How naive to think that love will always look and feel the same as the day you took your vows. Change is inevitable.
Know that that loving feeling will fade at times.
Drawback on your top five requirements – love God, love you, love kids, love family, love to work, or whatever yours might be, I’m just sharing my own - and stick to it.
If you are in sync on the above; count your blessings.
Take the time to restore that animal attraction.
Perhaps you stopped doing a few things too. Just probing again.
Hair, Heels, you know what works…

Edit your love story.
Chemistry is what you make it. It is a two way street.
So keep it fresh and enjoy the ride.
Expect the challenges, but try to stay in it for the long haul.

Here is the best marriage advice I never received.
Warmest wishes.

#7. Women need to drop that zero and redefine their definition of a “hero”. (Give a nice guy a chance.)

I hear the brothers complaining that nice guys are still finishing last. Are women really only interested in men with deep pockets and fancy cars? Big-ballers? Shot-callers? Is a man only qualified if he can give you “whatever you like, (you like), yeah”? I hope not, because this shortage of men will only become more severe when he has to compete with T.I.’s promise of buying a woman anything her heart desires. Although this sounds good on the surface and can be flattering to hear; it is rarely realistic. Simply stated “you cannot buy happiness”, and more importantly, a rich man is not necessarily a good man. Ask the countless number of ex-wives to the stars.

Perhaps you are not in it for love, and if that it the case, this post is not for you. But for those single sisters who are praying for the right man, and complaining that all the good ones are taken, in jail or gay; I would like to introduce you to a few you may have overlooked:

1. The Graduate. This one is noticeably younger than you are, and you are not trying to become Mrs. Robinson. “Don’t even approach me; I’m not interested in teaching you anything that your mother did not already”, you say to yourself. Granted men mature at a slower pace than women, so why push it. I am not here to say that this science is not yet proven, but at least let him get a sentence out before you send him back to his dorm. Just joking. Some men actually have “old souls” and are very mature for their ages. I would not advise a woman to pursue a relationship with a young man who is the same age as her children, but among consenting adults – “age is just a number”.
2. Mr. Undereducated. You see this handsome man walking your way. He approaches you correctly, and you engage in a powerful conversation that inevitably leads to “so where did you attend (college)?” Then you learn that he either did not attend college, matriculated for a while but left without any paper, or he graduated but with a lesser degree. Instantly, you find him below your enlightened pedigree. Absurd. This man may be the next Steven Spielberg, Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Ted Turner, or Steve Jobs. Need I say more? If perhaps, you are not “smart” enough to notice the theme – none of these extraordinary entrepreneurs graduated from college; but I bet you would not snub them. So don’t be so quick to judge; you could be meeting Mr. Right at just the right time.
3. The Baby Daddy. Ladies, it is not so much about the children is it? Kids can be so cute and loving; and what good woman does not admire a man that takes care of his responsibility? The truth is that you think the baby’s mama will cause you undue drama. Well, it does not have to be that way and it is not your battle to fight. Your relationship is not with the mother of his children, but with him. If he is conscientious and thoughtful, he has already given some thought about how this new relationship with you will affect his relationship with his child. At the appointed time, you both will discuss the dynamics of this triad and settle on whatever works best. But whatever you do; do not let invalidated insecurities or fears be the determining factor.
4. Mr. EOC. He is an entirely different hue from you; yes, I am talking about his complexion. You could be fiercely chocolate and he might be freckled pink, but it should not matter. Sure you will be a walking Benetton advertisement, and that is okay. Love has no color. Men have been dating women from all walks of life, every tribe and every color for generations. Women, specifically African-American women, need to get into the game. There are too many beautiful sistahs out there bypassing love because of the color of the package. If all the men in your race are finding mates in other ethnic groups, then you may end up being an old maid while trying to hold it down for the cause. Diversify your options for success by becoming a part of the Equal Opportunity Commission.
   

I am exhausted trying to point out the obvious, so I’ll close by suggesting that you get to know a man first before you shoot him down. Whatever you do, please do not dismiss a polite, hard-working, responsible man just because he happens to fit one of the aforementioned titles. This is how good guys go bad. I can think of a whole host of reasons (i.e. crazy, violent, drug abuser, cheater) to tell a man to step off; but these are purely superficial.

It is time to get rid of all the silly excuses, so women can prepare their hearts to receive, and nice guys can get their girls!

If you have a success story about how you found love with someone who was not quite your type, please share: whatwomenwantandneed@gmail.com or post a comment.

#6. Women Want Men to Listen to their Hearts

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post, especially involving communication between spouses, allow me to share a quote from an anonymous poet:

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you
what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be
with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them
everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is
feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when
they walk into a room and smile at you."

I don’t dare pretend to know what love is for everyone either, but this sounds like a good barometer to me. There is a peace in knowing that you can tell someone all the good and the bad there is to know about you and that they will still chose to love you. Humans long to bear themselves and feel free, uninhibited by other’s perceptions of them. When we get to this point, we are actually as God designed us. To have that freedom with a spouse is like a gift from God; reminiscent of pre-fruit Adam and Eve. Naked and not ashamed! That is how a right relationship should function.

Men, please tell me how will you ever know all about her if you do not allow her to tell you? How can you truly love her, if you don’t seek to know more and more about her? When you think you know everything is when you know nothing. Adam probably thought he knew all there was to know about Eve. She did come from his rib. Without openness though, you could easily end up sleeping with the enemy, or worst, eating some bad fruit and getting kicked out of the best digs on earth! Ughh!

If a man is only listening to solve problems then he is missing out on the fact that her sharing means she already respects him as a part of the solution. Women want to, need to, tell their men who they are and why they exist, as an expression of love without barriers. They don't need this every day, or every month, but on occasion. If you read my post (below) you will understand that women cannot share this variety of information with just anybody; or at least they shouldn't. Consequently, they have all these pent up emotions and dreams that are bottled up, just waiting to be released. Much like men but in a different fashion. By denying her the opportunity to share those matters closest to her heart (not frivolity) will leave a void open for a snake (the deceiver).

So men, even though it is not your favorite thing to do, even if you are tired, and you have been fighting dragons all day with a pocket knife; allow quality time to hear from her heart and get to know your woman better. Your attention to her needs will bear results ripe for the picking! Right, ladies?